We'd all like to see the beautiful Claire Bear in her own 'private' tape, so here's an open letter asking her to be considerate, think of the fans for once, and get it on!

If she was the sort of star who loved her fans the way say, R Kelly does, then she'd be taking requests from her adoring, and perverted, public as to what they want her to do, and with who or what. It could be a canny career move for her and also a wonderful realisation for many, many people in the world of the web.

Maybe as well as this open letter, a petition could be started and if that fails people could start boycotting major sporting events, then protest on the streets of the world's major capitals. And if none of that works then we could all hold our breath until she relents.

You know for a while cooking, for me, got a bit mudane, a but samey, I'd used the finest ingredients from around the globe and beyond - space dust from the impact craters on Mars, flown in by NASA - scrumptious. I've had the elusive Yeti ass-truffle from the foothills of the Himalayas - delectable; ayahuasca from the Peruvian jungle, that was an interesting night, and of course the infamous yet elusive vaginal moss, only found in the outermost boglands of Scatland. Yeah you could say they were well sourced, but getting everything you want sometimes gets boring, then I discovered this recipe book.

It's revolutionised my life, my wife now licks her plate, and my balls, clean and recipes like Jerk-Off Chicken and Man-Jamburger go down as easy as a well kept mistress at every dinner party I host, and my Raviolo Of Jiz and Lobster with Spicy Creamed Cabbage With A Warm Potato & Semen Puree is a sensation!! After reading this book, my wife now often asks me to fill her meat taco with semen, she loves it!

If you don't want to believe me then just check out the comments from these satisfied and grateful cooks, who've been delighting their friends with this nectar of the gods. It's just touching...yourself. If you thought whisking cream tired your arm out, then just try whisking up some of this cream!